Closer

For almost a month now, I have been downcast, guilty, ashamed and dispirited because of a series of wrong decisions I have made. I caved in to my weaknesses and the short-lived happiness made a permanent damage to myself and my relationship with God. I hurt myself and I compromised my ideals. I allowed myself to be a stumbling block to a child of God and in the process, hurt the person as well. Most of all, I hurt my Father - I disappointed Him so much I can feel Him crying.

Normal reaction to sin would be to dwell on it and the shame it brings will distance us from our God. This is exactly what happened to me and as I shunned God, I found myself sin more and more and farther and farther from God. This has affected everything in my life - I distanced myself from friends and community, the zest and passion for anything quickly melted away.

Three weeks passed and I'm so thankful that we have a Father who does not allow us to stray too far and too long. He opened His arms and welcomed me back through the message of Pastor Brett Fuller during the Convergence and through the message during the prophetic evening with Pastor Jim Laffoon. Through them, God reminded me that no one is perfect and even if I or God has high expectations from me, I am still human and I will make mistakes; I will sometimes fail and it's okay, I just have to pick myself up, repent and take responsibility.

I cannot beat myself up for failing, it will only prolong the process of self-pity and delay the things that I'm supposed to do for the Lord.    

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, 

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -

his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

(Romans 12:2 NIV)

I am also learning that the moment I catch myself sinning, I have to own it and run immediately to the Father through His word and prayer. This is the time to get closer to God and wrap myself in the comfort of His word and promises.

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?

By living according to your word.

(Psalm 119:9 NIV)

I have to acknowledge and declare the power of His word and His love because this will serve as my armor and protection from further sinning. 

How sweet are your words to my taste,

sweeter than honey to my mouth!

(Psalm 119:103 NIV)

Our Father is forgiving and He is gentle in forgiving His children. He loves us so much that He is glad when we realize our mistakes and come running back to Him. Despite me breaking His heart, I can expect that I will be welcomed with open arms and warm hugs because He loves me with all my inequities, selfishness, worldliness and shortcomings. 

I love those who love me,

and those who seek me find me.

(Proverbs 8:17 NIV)

This episode of falling has taught me to be closer to our Father, to seek Him more, to know Him more so that I can be more sensitive to His instructions and resist the temptations to sin. Being closer and knowing Him more means spending more quiet time with the Lord, reading the Bible and praying. I can be so busy at times helping others that I forget to feed myself the word of the Lord and I get weak, which makes me an easy target. I have to build my fort stronger so I can protect myself against attacks.   

I seek you with all my heart;

do not let me stray from your commands.

(Psalm 119:10 NIV)

Lastly, it is accepting and acting on the fact that I cannot fight temptations alone. I will never be able to control my desires and my actions no matter how motivated or determined I am. I cannot trust anyone to control their actions as well - My responsibility is to control my OWN actions through the grace of the Lord; stay away from compromising situations, run away and run to the Father.  

Submit yourselves, then, to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

(James 4:7 NIV)

Only the Father can give us great love, love that can satisfy us eternally. Hear His call, get closer and rest in His love - His everlasting love.

Closer

Your love has ravished my heart

And taken me over, taken me over

And all I want is to be

With You forever, with You forever

Pull me a little closer

Take me a little deeper

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

‘Cause Your love is so much sweeter

Than anything I’ve tasted

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

Your love has ravished my heart

And taken me over, taken me over

And all I want is to be

With You forever, with You forever

Pull me a little closer

Take me a little deeper

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

‘Cause Your love is so much sweeter

Than anything I’ve tasted

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

Ooh, Ooh how great your love is for me

Ooh, Ooh how great is your love

Pull me a little closer

Take me a little deeper

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

‘Cause Your love is so much stronger

Than anything I’ve faced and

I want to know Your heart

I want to know Your heart

Closed Doors

It's easy to be calm, happy and contented when things are good, when there is no struggle. The challenge is to still rejoice and praise God when things are not so good. Today, I had two rejections and it hurt my ego a lot. Having two doors slam on me in one afternoon made me sad as I know I won't proceed the way I planned and envisioned.

For a moment. I questioned why I was rejected. For a moment I had a pity party and I even compared myself to others who were more fortunate than I am. Then as clear as the sun, I received an answer. "Trust me. I know what I am doing. I am not giving you this because I am saving you from danger. I am denying you this because I have something better. I have the whole picture. Trust me."

There I went again, I made plans without praying to my Father. I made plans on my own, not considering how it will benefit me in the long run and how it will build my Father's kingdom. And like so many times in my life, he is saving me, he is asking me to trust him, surrender my everything to him, grow my faith and let him have his way in my life.

Thank you my Lord, thank you for taking away things that would keep me away from you. Thank you that when you close doors to me, you are keeping me safe. Thank you that you have my best interest in your heart. Lord, have your way. 

I Surrender

Here I am
Down on my knees again
Surrendering all
Surrendering all

Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You
Desperate for You

I surrender

Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more

Stay and Wait

Waiting has never been my strong suit. I want quick action and instant results. That's why diets don't work for me. I desire movement, something to work on, something to reach, something to accomplish. I thrive in competition, enjoy seasons and dwell in happy chapters of my life. 

Almost all the years of my life, I worked on and by my own strength; God was almost never in the equation. So all these changes in me and my life are overwhelming me because for the first time in my life, I am no longer in control. I have given the steering wheel of my life to Jesus, letting him call the shots, letting him decide where to go and waiting on his timing.

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

(Lamentations 3:25 NIV)

It's still a daily struggle though. I have things I want to do but I pray for wise counsel, control and patience. When things don't go the way as I planned them to, I pray for understanding, acceptance and complete trust. When the temptations are strong, I turn my back and run, as fast as I can, as far as I can go; constantly praying for protection and courage to say no.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make you paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

Do I sometimes doubt the Lord? I must admit that sometimes I wonder if everything I'm doing, feeling and sacrificing are going to be worthy. However, I can say that I can never doubt my Lord because he has proven himself on the cross and he has proven himself to me by performing a great miracle in my life. After what he has done to me, I can never turn my back away from him, I can never bat an eye, I can never deny his existence and his greatness and goodness.

I pray that all my family and friends would have an encounter with the Lord as deep, personal and unimaginable as mine. Then you would understand how deep his love is for his children. Then you would understand why I love him this much, and why I will stay and wait for him. 

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

(Psalm 27:13-14 NIV)

Stay and Wait

Who spoke the Earth and sky to form
Who sets the sun and calls the dawn
Who breathed me out of dust to life
The will to trust or run and hide

I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up Your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to Your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You

Who loved me through my rebel way
Who chose to carry all my shame
Who breaths in me with endless life
The king of glory Jesus Christ

I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up Your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to Your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You

God of wonder and God of grace
Let my soul stand always to praise You
Fix my eyes on Your perfect way
And I'll never look back

I will stay should the world by me fold
Lift up Your name as the darkness falls
I will wait and hold fast to Your word
Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You

Who lifts the poor and heals the blind
Who trampled death for all mankind
Who stands for all with arms stretched wide
My King forever Jesus Christ

You Know Me

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? 

Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 

So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. 

(Matthew 10:29-31 NIV)

One of the first things I had to teach myself or allow myself to learn when I accepted Christ in my life is how He loves me. His love for me is so deep and personal that the Father took the time to count each one of the hairs on my head! He memorizes every tiny detail of my body, every speck, every freckle. He knows every thought, every emotion, every feeling I have. He knows my actions even before or after I've done them. Nothing escapes my Father. He doesn't miss anything. Knowing and accepting this comforts me.  

Matthew 10:29-31 reminds me that if God is concerned about one sparrow, the more that He is concerned about me. I pray that the truth of His love for me will be embedded in me every single waking day. 

You Know Me

You have been

And You will be

You have seen

And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go, You see it all

You hung the stars and You move the sea,

And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You have been

And You will be

And You have seen

And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go, You see it all

You hung the stars and You move the sea,

And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

And nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

And You know every detail of my life

And You are God and You don't miss a thing

And nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

And You know every detail of my life

And You are God and You don't miss a thing

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You memorize me

Come to Me

It happens to most of us. It certainly happens to me. The longing. The uncertainty. The lack of zest. The wondering. The questioning. 

It usually hits me when I encounter rejection, when I feel lonely or when I see from others what I don't have. The most recent phase surprisingly happened in the middle of the week when I was busy with a lot of things and it wasn't after a rejection - it was after I decided to curb my personal desire and focus on what the Lord is telling me, where He is leading me.

Don't get me wrong, I love following my God. It's my greatest desire to make him happy and he gives me peace whenever I honor him by obeying. 

Jesus is my peace. For He (Christ) is our peace. 

(Ephesians 2:24 NIV) 

Christ's message to His disciples before leaving this world, 

"Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." 

(John 14:27 NIV)

What I'm saying is that it's not free of struggle but when I lay down to him all my struggles, he is faithful to fight with me and fight for me.

Jesus is my power. The Bible says that Jesus Christ 

is the power of God and the wisdom of God 

(1 Corinthians 1:24 NIV). 

"My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

(2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV) 

And I can say, I can do all things through Christ 

who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13).

I certainly don't have all the answers. I can only research, plan, daydream, pray and trust that the Lord will guide me and will whisper to me the answers to all my questions.

Jesus is my wisdom. He is the wisdom of God. 

(1 Corinthians 1:24 NIV). 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart 

and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways submit to Him, 

and He will make your paths straight. 

Do now be wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord and shun evil. 

(Proverbs 3:5-7 NIV).

It's almost easy to pray and trust God. What's tough is waiting for God to do his thing on his timing. This takes patience - and it includes the things I do and my attitude while I wait for God to work. 

Jesus is my patience. Be still before the Lord 

and wait patiently for him; 

do not fret when people succeed in their ways, 

when they carry out their wicked schemes 

(Psalm 37:7 NIV). 

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, 

and in his word I put my hope 

(Psalm 130:5 NIV).

It is but natural for us to love - love our family and friends. For a single woman like me (who has always been in a relationship for the past xx years), it's a struggle to be not in a relationship. I feel like I have so much love to give, so much to offer and blindly thinking that I need a partner to love and to complete me. All this has been changed when I surrendered my life to Christ. I learned that I can never fully love someone until I love my creator, until he lives in me.

Jesus is my love. We often hear that God is love. 

This is because he did the ultimate sacrifice out of his love for us. 

For God so loved the world, 

that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him 

should not perish but have eternal life. 

(John 3:16 NIV). 

There are numerous times God's love for us was described in the Bible. 

Probably the most featured would be, 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors 

through him who loved us. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, 

nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, 

nor powers, nor height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us 

from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord 

(Romans 8:37-39 NIV). 

We love because God first loved us. 

Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart 

and with all your soul and with all your mind. 

This is the first and greatest commandment" 

(Matthew 22:37-38 NIV).

When I keep my eyes on Jesus, and when he is my peace, joy easily follows.

Jesus is my joy. I have told you this so that my joy 

may be in you and that your joy may be complete 

(John 15:11 NIV). 

It takes God's supernatural grace to rejoice 

and be joyful during trying times 

but we can always rejoice in the Lord 

- rejoice in who he is, 

what he has done and what he is doing for us. 

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, 

I will be joyful in God my savior 

(Habakkuk 3:18 NIV).

I my lifetime, majority of what I held unto as truths crumbled. These included the promise of a forever love, the promise of a successful career, the promise of youth, the promise of the perfect body and the promise of happiness money can buy. A tad bit late but I'm glad I realized that Jesus is the absolute truth. So many have failed me but He will never fail me.

Jesus is my truth. Jesus answered, 

"I am the way and the truth and the life. 

No one comes to the Father except through me" 

(John 14:6 NIV)

Realizing and living the fact that God is my truth makes me turn to him for my satisfaction. No longer shall I anchor my expectations and worth on people and material things. 

Jesus is my satisfaction. This is the Lord's promise, 

And the Lord will guide you continually 

and satisfy your desire in scorched places 

and make your bones strong; 

and you shall be like a watered garden, 

like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail 

(Isaiah 58:11 NIV). 

What a wonderful promise! And there's more :) 

Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; 

whoever comes to me shall not hunger, 

and whoever believes in me shall never thirst" 

(John 6:35 NIV). 

Jesus is our living bread 

- the only one who perfectly satisfies us.

I know there would still be times where I'll be wondering and questioning, but now I know where to turn to. The Lord says, "Come to me,"  

Come to Me

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I'm all around you
Though you feel I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know

I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm everything
Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you, I'm your faithful strength
I am with you wherever you go

Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm your everything
Come to Me, I'm all you need.
Come to Me, I'm your everything

Don't look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved ooh
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Just come to Me, come to Me, cause I'm all that you need

Surprise over Lunch – I dined & conversed with a stranger!

I'm sharing this Facebook post I shared last June 5, 2012.

Inspired by 2 of Rachel Ong’s 10 Things We Can Give Without Costing Us Money, I overcame my awkwardness & indifference for the first time and initiated a conversation with a stranger.

1.     A great smile (It makes a person feel great and special)

I was dining at my favourite café when a lady approached and asked if a seat in my table is taken. I offered a sweet smile and said no and she can join my table.

2.     A perfect greeting (Reaching out to strangers like you know them; showing that you are genuinely interested in them; perfect means whole, mature & complete)

Sharing a table to strangers, no big deal, we do it all the time. But after 8 awkward and silent minutes of eating and 3 foiled attempts of eye contact & initiation of conversation, I finally blurted, “So, how is your day goin’ so far?” The lady was surprised (most people here are not friendly to strangers) and it took her some 5 seconds to smile back and said “Oh, it’s fine.” Her next statement, “You are not Singaporean, are you Filipino?” I almost resented that thinking my accent must have been obvious so I retorted, “Yes I am. How did you know?” “I normally don’t expect a hello from strangers and my daughter is married to a Filipino so I recognized your accent.” (damn the accent) Then she started asking me how long I have been in her country (yup, she’s a local), where I was working, how I find living here (it seemed like an interview). She offered tips in saving money by suggesting where to eat for lunch & better yet, eat home-prepared sandwiches (healthier, cleaner & cheaper!) She also shared her experiences in the Philippines, how modern and expensive it is in Makati and how it was in Baguio 35 years ago! She went on asking where in Manila is the best area to buy a property and live in. Turns out, she’s considering retiring in Manila because the costs here are just ridiculous.

We exchanged a lot of information and sentiments over 40 minutes but more than the content and length, what stands out to me is the rawness & the genuineness of the conversation – it wasn’t planned and prepared so there were no expectations & pretensions. We shared parts of our lives to each other and we shared 40 minutes together. From the smile she gave me when she left me at the café, I’d say I made her happy. And it didn’t cost me a thing – just a great smile and a perfect greeting :-)

Where I gave my great smile and perfect greeting - 2 things I gave that didn't cost me anything.

If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. (New Living Translation 2007) It's default to be kind and accommodating to friends and family. More challenging greeting and being kind to strangers, people you don't like and enemies.

Jennifer, My Friend, the Juice Lady

Let me tell you about my friend, the juice lady.

For almost two years now, I buy my daily juices from her and she has always served me with a smile. I greet her with "Good morning!" when I see her and she immediately works on my juices. She knows my regular order and I don't have to remind her how many cups of ABC, AWP, BC and lemon, no ice. When it's a Monday, we chat about our weekend. When it's a Friday, we wish each other well for the weekend and separate with, "See you on Monday!"

She looks for me when I miss work either for holiday or medical reasons so I started telling her in advance that I'll be gone for holidays so she won't worry if I'm ill. I will never forget the very first time I gave her something from a trip - I handed her a bar of chocolate when I got back from the US. She stared at me in disbelief and asked, "Why are you giving this to me?" I laughed a little at her reaction and said, "Because you are my friend and I want to give you something from my trip." After my insistence, she finally accepted the gift and the succeeding ones. Her shy and humble demeanour is something I've always appreciated about her.

Last week, she was gone for several days and although her colleagues took over, I missed her. When she was back, I asked if everything is well and she said she is recovering from being slightly ill. Today, a Friday, I said to her "See you on Monday!" to which she whispered, "Today is my last day." I was surprised and immediately asked where she is going. She said she'll be resting at home and was reluctant in sharing any more detail. I wished her well and told her I'll be missing her.

I left the juice shop with a heavy heart. I felt like I needed to do something, do something for her and that our connection cannot just end like that. I went back to the office and started writing her a letter. That's when it hit me - I don't even know her name!

I got her a bag of Kisses chocolates at Watsons then went to see her. As usual, she gently pushed the bag away, saying I don't have to spend money for her. I told her it's a bag of chocolates that she can share with her family and friends. "I wrote you a letter and I realized I don't even know your name!" She smiled, "I also don't know your name. I'm Jennifer". 

She quickly grabbed the letter from the bag and read it. "Oh good you put your number here." I wanted to ask her number. I wanted to have a photo taken with her as a remembrance of her sweet smile. Instead, we hugged.

I choked, "Hello Jennifer, my name is Desiree."

______________________________________________

This has made me thinking, how many people in my life have I overlooked? How many of them have I taken for granted? Have I ever done anything to make them feel special and loved? Have I done things out of my way to reach out to them? Have I disregarded norms, social status or societal expectations to do what is right?

We are called to build and foster relationships. We were designed to love one another. We were created to live life with others through hospitality, fellowship, kindness and willingness to help one another.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. 

As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, 

if you love one another.”

(John 13:34-35 NIV)

Brutal Honesty or Tactful Dishonesty?

I used to not like it when I'm corrected. I wanted to be around people who like me and everything about me, which is of course not possible. Now I wonder how many of them were tactfully dishonest with me.

Being corrected is still not the best feeling in the world but I'm so thankful that God changed my heart. I'm now more open and less aggressive and defensive when I am corrected. And I no longer do the pointing game. 

I'm fortunate to have wonderful people who are brutally honest, not because they get a kick out of criticizing me or because they want to lift themselves up. They speak with unapologetic honesty because they want me: to know the truth, to grow, and to be back on the right path. All these they do with love. No callous pointing, just speaking the truth because of love, out of love and with love.

❤️